Who am I in relationship? Who am I when I’m in the midst of circumstances that are less than harmonious?
When these circumstances arise, I often don’t feel like myself. It’s as if I think I need to do, or say, something to make it better – more harmonious – so I can feel the peace. In the process, I disconnect from what I need and want. And so… I’m not myself, and when I’m not myself, I’m not at peace (Aye yai yai!).
Even when I remember to ask what I need and want, sometimes, I don’t like to listen for the answer. What if it turns out that I need to use my voice to express my myself to the person/people I am in relationship with? What if that feels uncomfortable? What if I’m rejected? I’ll be alone! (And there it is! The thought creating my disconnection).
How can you be yourself – experience connection – while minimizing the “risk” of rejection and feeling the fear about being alone?
In these situations, I’m often reminded to try on a new perspective, so what if I shift perspective to view these circumstances of rejection as a gift?
When I was a teenager, I used to wrap gifts for my sisters in multiple boxes. I’d wrap a pair of earrings in a small box and insert it into another much larger one, and then repeat the process until I got to the size box that would really throw them off (I can’t remember if they thought that was funny, or not, but I’m sure I cracked myself up).
The rejections that come when making life changes are like this set of gift boxes. To illustrate my point, I’ll refer to my last blog post. In it, I referenced the importance of connecting with your elders and other supportive communities as you transform fatigue and frozen energy. But how do you start? What if you give yourself the space to try new experiences and relationships, but they don’t feel right to you?
Instead of searching for the answers, first know that an abundant supply of gift boxes is all around (and that they may come in the form of rejection – yours and theirs). Open each with a sense of curiosity about who is on their way to you (I wonder who I’ll meet next!), and then all you need to do is notice the coincidences as they occur to support your intentions.
This process not only connects you to your elders/communities, but can help you strengthen the connection to your…
- Mind – What classes, retreats, and other virtual, or in-person communities would you like to join in order to connect with others seeking the same knowledge/skills? Who would you like to learn from? Would you like a mentoring relationship? Can you get ahold of their books/videos/time?
If it turns out that these experiences aren’t resonating with you, open the next box and keep asking…
- Body – What body-centered practices resonate with you? What is it about the person leading these practices that you resonate with most? Which practices calm your nervous system and give you a sense of peace?
If it turns out that these experiences aren’t resonating with you, open the next box and keep asking…
- Spirit – Who inspires you? Do you read poetry? In what ways can you spend time in nature? Do you have a process for connecting to your intuition/inner wisdom? Would you like to develop a relationship with your ancestors?
If it turns out that these experiences aren’t resonating with you, open the next box and keep asking…
- Emotions – What places offer a safe, comfortable space for you to unfold? Do you have someone in your life that creates and holds a space for you to be with your emotions, without doing anything about them? Do you have someone in your life that models what feeling the full spectrum of emotional energy looks/feels like?
The answers to these questions are some of the gifts of rejection.
Exploring the connections to these four parts of you (mind, body, spirit and emotions) invites the experience of inner harmony within you – experiencing your own unique tone. And then when “rejection” occurs, you can know (with Christmas morning anticipation) that the people you resonate with are just another gift box away – people whose unique tones will synch into perfect harmony with your own.
This journey also offers several opportunities to ask yourself…
Who do I want to BE when I’m in relationship?
If you want to feel more like yourself – connected – what does that feel like? Is it the experience of not needing to say, or do, anything? Is it a feeling of expansiveness, ease, or freedom? Is it a knowingness that you matter?
What is a mantra that represents your inner harmony and unique tone? Here’s one to try on: “I want to know my true people. I choose to engage in experiences and relationships where I can feel the energy flowing back and forth (like we’re on the same wavelength), where I laugh often, where I feel at ease, where I feel expansive, equal, and in my power.”
When you experience your true nature in harmony, you’ll see that the gifts of rejection are abundance and connection.
What gifts have you received from rejection? Please share your comments below!
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If there is an area in your life that seems frozen and in disconnection, join me and a community of supportive women for Radiate Camp – September 4-7, 2015.
